IRC Lamer

I started blogging since 2000. Sometimes I amused myself when I looked back at what I had written in the past. Out of fun, I decided to bring back some of those old posts for your viewing pleasure. And this particularly is (shamelessly) my all time favorite.

Some background before you read on. In my earlier years of using the internet, I spent a lot of time hanging out on IRC chatrooms (I bet most of you did that too), some times I came across nice people whom I can chat with all night, yet some times, I came across losers like the following one. This guy is such a big loser I had decided to blog about it. But of course, I don’t do this all of the time (unless the person is as lame as this one), otherwise I’m still a safe person to chat with 😉 Enjoy the rest of the story…

Originally posted on August 04, 2002

This was perhaps the most entertaining chat of the day. This guy came to me, had thought I was probably a cheap slut, judging by my nick, I do not know how inviting the nick ‘twobucks’ had sounded. Somehow, he thought he was getting lucky, I kept it going, as I knew it was going to be my next best joke to tell. Shown below the full transcript of the chat. Yes I’m crude, but he’s dumb, so he’s funnier.

Dean as twobucks
Iku as Iku the dumb and desperate chatter

aSession Start ( Sat Aug 03 23:59:28 2002

[08/03 23:59] <lku> hello

[08/03 23:59] <twobucks> hello

[08/03 23:59] <lku> care to intro

[08/04 00:00] <twobucks> how abt after u? (Lesson number one: always introduce yourself first!)

[08/04 00:01] <lku> what do u mean of twp buck

[08/04 00:01] <twobucks> twobucks = $2 (He-llo?)

[08/04 00:01] <lku> why $2

[08/04 00:01] <twobucks> got a story behind, u have time?

[08/04 00:02] <lku> yes

[08/04 00:02] <lku> tell me pls (Now he shows some manners. At this point, I did think it might be an innocent female chatter…)

[08/04 00:02] <twobucks> u must tell me who u are first (…hence I have to confirm it)

[08/04 00:02] <lku> getting to know u (Huh? Had he/she missed my message?)

[08/04 00:02] <twobucks> how old r u? (Shall be patient)

[08/04 00:03] <lku> 38

[08/04 00:03] <lku> u?

[08/04 00:03] <twobucks> i was born a decade later than u

[08/04 00:04] <lku> 28

[08/04 00:04] <twobucks> how abt u tell me what your guessing of twobucks? (My typo)

[08/04 00:04] <lku> pay u

[08/04 00:04] <twobucks> pay me twobucks?

[08/04 00:04] <lku> ok

[08/04 00:05] <lku> what do u do

[08/04 00:05] <twobucks> so u really think my nick is abt telling ppl im only two bucks?

[08/04 00:05] <lku> no

[08/04 00:05] <lku> more than that (Then tell me, duh)

[08/04 00:06] <twobucks> im taking it as a little survey, so i would really appreciate if u can tell me, what comes into your mind when u see twobucks

[08/04 00:06] <lku> where do u stay (Primarily finding: Yes he/she is dumb)

[08/04 00:07] <twobucks> i live in north

[08/04 00:07] <lku> woodland

[08/04 00:07] <twobucks> sembawang

[08/04 00:07] <lku> working as

[08/04 00:07] <twobucks> web developer

[08/04 00:07] <lku> ok

[08/04 00:07] <twobucks> how abt u?

[08/04 00:07] <lku> youe age

[08/04 00:08] <lku> engineer

[08/04 00:08] <lku> your age

[08/04 00:08] <twobucks> my age?

[08/04 00:08] <lku> y

[08/04 00:08] <twobucks> im sorry, u got me lost there (Indeed)

[08/04 00:08] <lku> tell me your age

[08/04 00:09] <twobucks> 28

[08/04 00:09] <twobucks> told u (Scroll up, ass. Minus another ten points!!)

[08/04 00:09] <lku> sori

[08/04 00:09] <lku> u attach

[08/04 00:09] <lku> u pubbing

[08/04 00:09] <lku> u drink beer

[08/04 00:09] <lku> u social (Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! You ain’t gonna get no chicks, dumb ass!)

[08/04 00:09] <twobucks> no; sometimes; yes; yes (Let’s play on)

[08/04 00:10] <lku> u go on date

[08/04 00:10] <twobucks> i do (Die dumb ass! Die!)

[08/04 00:10] <lku> ppl u dun know

[08/04 00:10] <twobucks> if the person is interesting, i might

[08/04 00:11] <lku> how about me?

[08/04 00:11] <twobucks> r u interesting?

[08/04 00:11] <lku> u try (You want me to kill myself?)

[08/04 00:11] <twobucks> tell me something nice about u

[08/04 00:12] <twobucks> something u r proud of?

[08/04 00:12] <lku> whaT U WANT TO KNOW (I hope it was only the alphabets have increased in size at this point…)

[08/04 00:12] <twobucks> u tell me

[08/04 00:12] <twobucks> like what do u like to do

[08/04 00:12] <lku> nothing to proud of

[08/04 00:12] <twobucks> what engineer are u?

[08/04 00:12] <twobucks> i mean what field

[08/04 00:13] <lku> mech

[08/04 00:13] <twobucks> do u do sport? (This is to final confirm his gender)

[08/04 00:14] <lku> soccer, (Thank you dude, exactly the answer I hoped)

[08/04 00:14] <lku> u?

[08/04 00:14] <twobucks> i watch

[08/04 00:14] <lku> u play

[08/04 00:14] <twobucks> nope

[08/04 00:14] <twobucks> u r 38? (Consolidating my findings)

[08/04 00:14] <lku> y

[08/04 00:15] <twobucks> u r single?

[08/04 00:15] <lku> y

[08/04 00:15] <lku> u?>

[08/04 00:15] <twobucks> i asked u two questions n u answered with three questions (Lesson number three: LISTEN!!!)

[08/04 00:16] <lku> i answer two with one question (What the fuck?!)

[08/04 00:16] <twobucks> so, have u been lucky so far?

[08/04 00:16] <lku> yes

[08/04 00:16] <twobucks> tell me?

[08/04 00:16] <lku> what

[08/04 00:17] <twobucks> tell me your lucky story

[08/04 00:17] <lku> make alot money

[08/04 00:17] <twobucks> im not asking about money

[08/04 00:17] <lku> from 4D

[08/04 00:17] <twobucks> so r u here looking for dates?

[08/04 00:17] <lku> tes

[08/04 00:17] <lku> yes

[08/04 00:18] <twobucks> have u gotten any?

[08/04 00:18] <lku> no

[08/04 00:18] <twobucks> how long have u tried?

[08/04 00:18] <lku> u want to my dare

[08/04 00:18] <twobucks> i want to what?

[08/04 00:18] <lku> date

[08/04 00:18] <twobucks> u wanna date me?

[08/04 00:18] <lku> y (I suppose he meant to say “yes”)

[08/04 00:18] <twobucks> did u just ask if i want to date u?

[08/04 00:19] <lku> i date u

[08/04 00:19] <twobucks> whats your name?

[08/04 00:19] <lku> kevin

[08/04 00:19] <lku> u?

[08/04 00:19] <twobucks> wanna date ppl, must let ppl know u rite?

[08/04 00:19] <twobucks> kevin what?

[08/04 00:19] <twobucks> sorry, kevin what?

[08/04 00:19] <lku> kevin

[08/04 00:19] <lku> u? (Not only he is dumb, the mechanical engineer doesn’t understand English too)

[08/04 00:19] <twobucks> kevin chen?

[08/04 00:20] <lku> no

[08/04 00:20] <lku> xxx (For karma’s sake. His surname is withheld. But if you have a friend named Kevin who is 38 years old, you can write to me to verify, for your humor.)

[08/04 00:20] <twobucks> r u cantonese? (based on his surname)

[08/04 00:20] <lku> no

[08/04 00:20] <twobucks> where do u live kevin?

[08/04 00:20] <lku> central

[08/04 00:20] <lku> what your name

[08/04 00:21] <twobucks> kevin u r 38 and single, im… just curious…

[08/04 00:21] <lku> am not telling lie

[08/04 00:21] <twobucks> no i dont doubt the fact that u r single. but why? (Seriously, no one would doubt that)

[08/04 00:21] <twobucks> havent u been dating girls?

[08/04 00:21] <lku> no

[08/04 00:22] <twobucks> u must be working too hard?

[08/04 00:22] <lku> working late

[08/04 00:22] <twobucks> what car do u drive, kevin? (If he is humble, I might spare him one last chance…)

[08/04 00:22] <lku> just sold

[08/04 00:22] <twobucks> what happened? changing car?

[08/04 00:22] <lku> waiting for new car

[08/04 00:23] <twobucks> cool. what have u gotten? (… becareful…)

[08/04 00:23] <lku> alfra remeo

[08/04 00:23] <twobucks> nice car

[08/04 00:23] <twobucks> u must be pretty rich? (Value your last last chance…)

[08/04 00:23] <lku> 157 (He is a goner!)

[08/04 00:23] <lku> ok

[08/04 00:23] <twobucks> where were u graduate?

[08/04 00:23] <lku> can do

[08/04 00:24] <lku> nus (I was hoping if he graduated overseas)

[08/04 00:24] <twobucks> alrite kevin, u r 38, single, well educated (At least I have faith in National University of Singapore), nice job, but u r dumb

[08/04 00:25] <twobucks> not hard to understand why u cant get dates

[08/04 00:25] <lku> u?

[08/04 00:25] <twobucks> u dont even know if im a male of female n u asked me for date?!?

[08/04 00:25] <twobucks> n u dont even know my name u asked me for date?

[08/04 00:25] <twobucks> come on dude, get real

[08/04 00:26] <lku> what are friend for (Huh? You expected mercy? Where have you been?)

[08/04 00:26] <twobucks> go sign up for some activities at community centre, better for u

[08/04 00:26] <lku> fu bye (and I suppose he meant “fuck you”?)

[08/04 00:26] <twobucks> 🙂 same to u

5 Replies to “IRC Lamer”

  1. Ha ha… I can’t believe the Dean I know will waste a single minute of his valuable time to entertain such people.

    Kudos to you 😉

    P/s: but then again, you were only 28 when this chat took place. Believe you weren’t as busy as now when you were 28 😀

  2. Shannen, you were totally right, at that time, I spent a lot of time hiding in my room, wondering why the heck was I hiding in the room. Some weekends, I would just stay at home all by muself, and spoke only 3 sentences throughout — “kopi…”, “tabao…”, “how much?’ (that was when I was buying dinner from downstairs coffee shop.

  3. Yo dude! haha, just visited your blog after sometime. To find out what’s up your sleeve (haha, to catch up and probably get a good laugh along the way). (and to affirm again, not sure if how many ppl has already, you’re really one guy with good humour!) 🙂
    That aside, looks like you have blogged a lot lately!
    Also writing (based on your above 2002 blog), wanting to ask, do you really know someone by the name of Kevin Chen?? Coz i do..
    whaha. Just wondering.



  4. Twobucks, god, has it been that long? I remember that post. I think we first met about that time. Long lost memories indeed.

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